dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
