OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
