I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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