Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
