ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
