Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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