I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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