my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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