FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
