I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
