I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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