You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
