I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
