well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
