Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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