Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
