I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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