I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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