Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
try to milk me bitch
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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