exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
