corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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