Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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