Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Redeem this text for a blowjob
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
