your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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