watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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