I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
