just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
