I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
