there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
