I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
