My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
