So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
