how do flat chested girls get laid?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
