can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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