winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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