Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
