Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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