I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
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First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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