Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
