he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
