Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hippo gnu deer
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
