Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
