I accidentally burped into my bong.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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