Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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