Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
