You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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