Just fell off a train. Bad.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
