Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
