Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
