the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
did i walk over a car last night?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
