forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
