I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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