i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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