Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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