Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
