He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
