but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
