who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
