i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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