i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
