I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I could make wine with my vomit
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
