Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
