Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
